Obsessive love

Obsessive love is characterized by obsessive or compulsive attempts to possess or control an individual, especially triggered (or even intensified) by rejection.^[3] Obsessive love can also be distinguished from other forms of romantic love by its one-sidedness and repulsed approaches.^[4] Rejection is the "ultimate nightmare" to an obsessive lover, who can not let go when confronted with disinterest or the loss of a partner.^[5] Usually obsessive love leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-destructive behavior and social withdrawal, but in some cases an obsessive lover may monitor or stalk the object of their passion, or commit acts of violence.^[3][6]

Apollo and Daphne, by Gian Lorenzo Bernini. In Greek mythology, Eros is said to have punished Apollo by firing an arrow to make him fall in love with Daphne, and another to make Daphne disgusted with him and flee. The sculpture depicts Daphne turning into a tree to escape the relentless pursuit of Apollo.^[1][2]

Comparison

The term may also be compared to other concepts:^[7][4]

• The love style called mania (or manic love): possessive, dependent love. A manic lover is insecure, jealous, and needs reassurances of being loved. A manic lover is unsure of who attracts them, so they may fall in love with somebody they don't even like and project unrealistic qualities on to them.^[8][9] Among the other love styles, mania is most closely compared to eros, which is erotic love or love of beauty. An eros lover is also intensely preoccupied with their beloved, but they are self-assured. The eros lover is in search of an ideal, and they tend to fall in love with somebody more appropriate.^[8][10][11]

• Passionate love: the kind of love felt in the early stage of a romantic relationship, or for a potential partner before a relationship has occurred. Passionate love is a state of intense longing for another, which has an obsessional element characterized by intrusive thinking, uncertainty, and mood swings.^{[7][12][13][14][15]} Passionate love is commonly contrasted with companionate love, the gentler feelings of affection or bonding which take more time to develop.^[13][15]

• Limerence: love madness or all-absorbing infatuated love (comparable to passionate love), commonly for an unreachable person.^{[16][17][7][18]} Limerence is said to be "a condition of cognitive obsession" where the person experiencing it spends much of their time fantasizing about their love object (called the "limerent object"), the kind of love Romeo and Juliet felt for each other.^[19][17]

• Love addiction: a proposed disorder involving love relations characterized by severe distress and problematic passion-seeking despite adverse consequences.^[20][21] Academics do not currently agree on when love is an addiction, or when it needs to be treated.^[22]

• Obsessive love disorder: an unofficial diagnosis commonly found online, but not in the DSM.^[23][24]

Psychology

The problem with obsessive love is not so much a question of loving too intensely, but rather of anger over rejection, or feelings of abandonment.^[25] Susan Forward states that in her practice, she found four conditions which helped clarify when somebody is suffering from obsessive love:^[26]

1. They must have a painful, all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover.
2. They must have an insatiable longing either to possess or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.
3. Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotionally.
4. Their target's unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.

— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go

Obsessive love may be related to the anxious attachment style.^[27] The mania love attitude has been correlated with attachment anxiety, and also the personality trait neuroticism.^[28][29] A study using the Passionate Love Scale showed that while passionate love with obsession was associated with relationship satisfaction in short-term relationships, it was associated with slightly decreased satisfaction over time.^[14]

In the dualistic model of passion, a distinction is made between two types of passion: harmonious passion (where the person experiencing it feels positive and in control) and obsessive passion (where the person experiencing it feels a loss of control, and it interferes with their life). This is reminiscent of the distinction between the love styles eros (harmonious) and mania (obsessive). One study found that harmonious romantic passion was strongly correlated (positively) with secure attachment, and obsessive romantic passion was moderately correlated (positively) with anxious attachment. Obsessive passion has also been associated with maladaptive conflict resolution strategies in relationships (e.g. criticism, contempt, defensiveness).^[30]

Neuroscience

This paragraph is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Obsessive thinking.[edit]

Obsessive thinking about a loved one has been called a hallmark or a cardinal trait of romantic love,^[31][32] ensuring that the loved one is not forgotten.^[33] Some reports have been made that people can even spend as much as 85 to 100% of their days and nights thinking about a love object.^[34] One study found that on average people in love spent 65% of their waking hours thinking about their beloved.^[35] Another study used cluster analysis to find several different groups of lovers, with the least intense group spending 35% of their time on average and the most intense at 72%.^[36] Since the late 1990s, these obsessional features have been compared to obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD).^[37][38][39] This is also sometimes paired with a theory that obsessive (or intrusive) thinking is related to serotonin levels being lowered while in love, although study results have been inconsistent or negative.^{[37][39][40][41]} Another theory relates obsessive thinking to addiction, because drug users exhibit obsessive thoughts about drug use, as well as compulsions.^[42][43][44]

This paragraph is an excerpt from Biology of romantic love § Reward, motivation and addiction.[edit]

The early stage of romantic love is being compared to a behavioral addiction (i.e. addiction to a non-substance) but the "substance" involved is the loved person.^{[43][45][46][42]} Addiction involves a phenomenon known as incentive salience, also called "wanting" (in quotes).^[44][47] This is the property by which cues in the environment stand out to a person and become attention-grabbing and attractive, like a "motivational magnet" which pulls a person towards a particular reward.^[48][47] Incentive salience differs from craving in that craving is a conscious experience and incentive salience may or may not be. While incentive salience can give feelings of strong urgency to cravings, it can also motivate behavior unconsciously, as in an experiment where cocaine users were unaware of their own decisions to choose a low dose of cocaine (which they believed was placebo) more often than an actual placebo.^[49] In the incentive-sensitization theory of addiction, repeated drug use renders the brain hypersensitive to drugs and drug cues, resulting in pathological levels of "wanting" to use drugs.^[42][47] People in love are thought to experience incentive salience in response to their beloved. Lovers share other similarities with addicts as well, like tolerance, dependence, withdrawal, relapse, craving and mood modification.^[46]

Cultural references

The ancient Greeks called obsessive love "theia mania" (the madness from the gods), and Greek mythology depicted it in stories such as Apollo and Daphne.^[8][50]

Obsessive love has been depicted in the movies Fatal Attraction and Play Misty for Me, and the novel Wuthering Heights.^[51]

See also

• Psychology portal

• Anxious-preoccupied attachment – Interpersonal attachment style
• Broken heart – Intense stress or pain one feels at experiencing longing
• Control freak – Colloquialism for a person obsessed with control
• Controlling behavior in relationships – Aspect of personal relationships
• Domestic violence – Abuse of members of the same household
• Erotomania – Romantic delusional disorder
• Limerence – Love madness or intense infatuation when reciprocation is uncertain
• Lovesickness – Negative feelings from experiencing unrequited love or loss of love
• Love addiction – Tentative concept of a disorder involving an excessive and suffering attachment to a love object
• Pathological jealousy – Psychological disorder
• Relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder – Form of obsessive–compulsive disorder focusing on close or intimate relationships
• Stalking – Unwanted observation
• Unrequited love – Love that is not reciprocated by the receiver
• Yandere